sign or silence?

I have been thinking about blogging, but just really haven't felt like it. Imagine my embarrassment though to find that my background was still Halloween themed, and my last post was over a month ago. I know, I was horror struck.

I am usually not the kind of person to post a lot of text, I try to keep it simple with pictures and only minimal words, but this isn't one of those posts. So if you aren't interested in what goes on in my head, you might want to stop reading here. This is the best it's going to get for a journal for me and I realize that and I want to remember some things from this time in my life.

I often wonder what the best approach with Calvin is. Do I make a sign explaining his problems and make him carry it around, or tell people at the first chance of conversation? Or do I let them make their own assessments and eventually end up judging me as the worst mom they have ever seen? I usually tend with the latter, because I can't bring myself to say that there is anything wrong with him. I can think it, I can hear myself saying it, but then when I try to form the proper sentence, it won't come out. Even in what I would consider appropriate times to talk about it, I end up stuttering over it all and sounding like an idiot. So moving to a new place brought these questions to the forefront of my mind.

When we moved to Price, Calvin was young enough that we didn't know anything was wrong, he didn't act that different from other kids his age. As we found out, our ward found out and it seemed like I never really had to say anything about it and I never did unless someone asked. I remember one day in church a few months ago a girl whose name I am still not sure of said to me, "I didn't know he had autism." Is that sentence even correct? Funny that was my first thought when she said it. Is that Carbon County talk? It didn't seem right. So I found myself explaining to an almost stranger things that I find personal. Mainly to clarity that no he is not autistic, nor does he have autism. He is on the autistic spectrum. I am not sure why it makes me feel better to say it that way, but yes, I basically answered her by saying no, but yes.

There are quite a few times that we go out in public that I am sure it's completely obvious that there is something wrong with him. I feel the judgmental stares of people around me and can only console myself with the thought that they just don't understand. Not that I am the best mom out there, I will be the first to tell you my weaknesses and I have many, but I am sure I don't deserve their thoughts of me. So basically there is no hiding it anymore and it scared me to come to a place where I would have to explain over and over again something I had a hard time getting out of my mouth. So back to the original question, sign or silence?

Our first day in our apartment, I think we made 2 trips to Wal-Mart which is an hour away and in between that somewhere, we met our next door neighbors. They introduced themselves and about 2 minutes later I had already forgotten their names and about a minute after that Calvin was missing and we found him in what's-their-name's apartment. Yeah, he just walked in. After getting him out of their house and bringing him home Tyler said it was their fault for having Ice Age on their TV. I guess that is going to have to be a disclaimer at the bottom of the sign I make him. Caution: your personal space will not be respected by him if you choose to engage in any activity in which he has an interest.

The next day we went to the beach and Calvin and Hadlee had such a great time. Calvin got to mix that sand and water and eat it. Hadlee got to put sand all over him and he loved it. We buried both of them in the sand, and thought about how we had just left zero degree weather. After we got back to our apartment we met some upstairs neighbors. I said hi and went in to get the beach off of me. I was in the kitchen and I heard Tyler telling the neighbor about Calvin, all calm and nonchalant like. I felt myself freeze and just sat motionless listening to the words. I guess I could have gone out and talked to the neighbor but knew I didn't want to see him during that conversation. I knew there would be a hint of pity in his eyes and I wanted nothing to do with it.

The next day Hadlee told us that she didn't like that water and didn't really want to go back to the beach. I told her we were going back and she could just sit on the beach and watch Calvin swim if she wanted it that way. The next time we went, a couple days later, she changed her mind quickly. We arrived and Calvin didn't waste any time. He had his shirt and shoes off before we could put all of our stuff down and was in the water. Hadlee wasn't far after him and when we asked she said that the water was okay as long as she didn't drink it.

Since we moved into our apartment, the latest Calvin has slept is 6:30 and it's been closer to 5 am most days. Yeah, my life is over. I have gotten him to take a nap a few times but some days it doesn't work out. Him being tired doesn’t help things. He was such a great sleeper at home, I can't help but mourn the loss of more of my time. He is used to sleeping in his own room, in a crib, in a very dark room. He has none of those things here and I am hoping still that he will get used to the circumstances and start getting the rest he needs.

Our neighborhood is great because it's so loud, he is often not the loudest one. The same with our ward. There are so many young kids that it's harder to hear Calvin making car sounds in the middle of sacrament meeting.

The other day someone asked Calvin what his name was and he pointed to his shirt and said, "Thomas." In his defense, maybe he thought that guy was talking to his shirt (Thomas was on his shirt), I don't know. At least he answered the question. Usually he just looks at people and eventually I jump in and give a smile and say, "I'm sorry, I am the worst mom ever, I have never taught him his name."
Today at the store, someone asked him how old he was. I have actually just started telling people, "He doesn't know."

I think it only makes it worse that he is such a beast. He looks older than 4, he is bigger than Hadlee and most people think they are twins. So next to Hadlee who is reading, Calvin doesn't know how old he is or what his name is, I think it makes it seem even worse.

I keep hoping that soon he will grow out of it and one day no one will even know. I think that's why I hate saying it, that way it's not really real, just a phase. I don't want him labeled that way his whole life if there's a chance of being completely normal. I don't want him to have any excuses.

I think the best things about Hawaii for Calvin are going to be:
He is very energetic and he can run his guts out year round. When we are at the beach or he is riding his bike, or having fun doing anything outside, he is so happy and so am I.
I keep thinking that the older he gets the easier it's going to get, what better way to get through a year and a half than playing in Hawaii?
I am so much less stressed taking him anywhere. Most places you can eat outside, there is a shopping center in Mililani that is outside and so much better than walking through a mall. And the bottom line is, there are a lot more crazy kids around here. People just don't care and I can feel it. When Calvin is running in circles (literally) around the table at dinner, almost no one bats an eye.

Here are a few pictures from our first days in Hawaii.
These first few are from the Laie Temple.
Hadlee posing while Calvin was trying to feed the sheep some of that stuff he had just torn off the side of the display.Hadlee's self-portrait.

There were these huge snails in the flower beds outside the temple. They thought the snails were cool. We let them hold one until Calvin started trying to break it's shell by squeezing it in his hands.Outside our apartment building. Ours is the bottom one right behind Hadlee and Calvin.


First time at the beach

This isn't the beach we swam at, just stopped to look at the huge waves.